Thursday, January 28, 2010


This afternoon I watched an interview from NBC's "Today Show" with Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar and their family. They were discussing the health of their youngest daughter, Josie. Born 3.5 months early, she was 2 oz. heavier than our Charlotte. It was one of those moments where my heart absolutely breaks for the Duggars that they are going through this rough ordeal, while at the same time I was horribly jealous that their little girl is alive. I wouldn't wish the pain of the loss of a child on anyone, not even my worst enemy.
Looking at pictures of little Josie, I can't help but think how absolutely precious she is. She is beautiful in a way most babies never have to be. She is truly a miracle. And then I look at my sweet Natalie. Probably close to 15 pounds now, she is like 10 of baby Josie. And I love her as though she was a million babies.
Every second of the day that I am away from her is harder than the one before. I know I have to go to work and school - it is part of life and part of the healing process. My family deserves the best version of me possible. Thanks to Charlotte, I'm working on finishing my degree in English/Secondary Education. If I hadn't been pregnant with her, I would be working at a bank or fast food, with no promise of anything better. Now, for Natalie and my husband and our future children, I have hope that I can finish what I started almost 10 years ago and I am so grateful for Charlotte. She showed me how to love myself enough to tackle the hard things in life. She taught me how precious life is and gave Natalie the gift of parents who truly understand how fragile she is. I'm terrified every moment that something will change and Natalie won't be here, but when I wake up in the morning, there she is, tossing and turning, sleeping like a beautiful angel.
Last night I dreamt that I lost Natalie - she just disappeared. But there is a circle of friends who are here to support us and she is always with her father, me, or at the daycare I've spent almost two years hanging out at anyway. Everyone loves her and it reminds me that there is a whole extended family to protect her...
Almost like the Duggars. 19 kids and every one of them there to support each other when things get tough. Their sweet Josie has no idea how lucky she is just to have that family - so much love and prayers and hope being directed toward her every day. I like to think that Natalie gets that much love and hope and faith directed toward her from her family, too, even though we are significantly smaller in number. The thing is, love knows no boundaries.

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