Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Sad day

One year ago today we found out about our first baby girl being gone - at 26 weeks there was no heartbeat. This time last year I was in a hospital bed waiting to deliver my Angel baby.

Tomorrow will be her birthday.

I'm having a really hard time dealing with this 1st Anniversary of my dear Charlotte. I'm so scared about the baby I'm carrying now - she's moving less, but this time I have a doppler and can monitor her heartbeat at home - I keep thinking about how if I missed something now, I couldn't forgive myself. At 33 weeks the chance of this baby surviving is so high that I feel like I can't let my guard down even for a second, and I'm so scared to have to bury another child that I'm realizing how little I've enjoyed this pregnancy.

I miss Charlotte so much. It feels like a fresh wound - like I'm going to re-live the whole ordeal. I couldn't even go to work today because I cannot tell how long I can go without crying. I don't wish that we didn't have Charlotte, but I wish I didn't have this pain - and I'm really not sure how to deal with it. I thought my husband would be home with me tonight, but some idiot decided that a stomach ache meant he needed to go home sick and my husband is stuck working open to close for this guy. Of all the days I didn't want to be alone, today and tomorrow are the most important. I'm so desperate not to be by myself that I even have my husband's cousin coming over in a while to keep me company for a bit. My family is so far away - and its my Dad's birthday, so I'm trying not to bother my Mom too much either. I feel like he should get to enjoy his birthday this year, since he found out about a lost granddaughter last year.

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