One year ago today we found out about our first baby girl being gone - at 26 weeks there was no heartbeat. This time last year I was in a hospital bed waiting to deliver my Angel baby.
Tomorrow will be her birthday.
I'm having a really hard time dealing with this 1st Anniversary of my dear Charlotte. I'm so scared about the baby I'm carrying now - she's moving less, but this time I have a doppler and can monitor her heartbeat at home - I keep thinking about how if I missed something now, I couldn't forgive myself. At 33 weeks the chance of this baby surviving is so high that I feel like I can't let my guard down even for a second, and I'm so scared to have to bury another child that I'm realizing how little I've enjoyed this pregnancy.
I miss Charlotte so much. It feels like a fresh wound - like I'm going to re-live the whole ordeal. I couldn't even go to work today because I cannot tell how long I can go without crying. I don't wish that we didn't have Charlotte, but I wish I didn't have this pain - and I'm really not sure how to deal with it. I thought my husband would be home with me tonight, but some idiot decided that a stomach ache meant he needed to go home sick and my husband is stuck working open to close for this guy. Of all the days I didn't want to be alone, today and tomorrow are the most important. I'm so desperate not to be by myself that I even have my husband's cousin coming over in a while to keep me company for a bit. My family is so far away - and its my Dad's birthday, so I'm trying not to bother my Mom too much either. I feel like he should get to enjoy his birthday this year, since he found out about a lost granddaughter last year.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
It's all in a name...
So I thought it would be appropriate to explain the title of my blog, since it doubles as an introduction to myself and my journey.
Last year, my husband and I were expecting our first child. She was due December 18, 2008. I have always been a huge fan of winter and Christmas and the feeling of family and peace that comes with that time of year. One of the things I told my husband throughout the ridiculously hot summer was that when the baby came, I wanted it to snow.
I didn't realize at the time, but it was somewhat prophetic to wish for snow. On September 9, 2008, I woke up certain that something was wrong. I hadn't felt the baby move in a few days, though she never really moved very much to begin with. I was 26 weeks pregnant and didn't know how much movement was normal and when I would start to worry, I'd feel butterflies in my stomach and I mistook them for the baby. When I got dressed for the day, the pants that I'd been wearing with a Bella Band buttoned and I knew something was definitely different. I went in to the doctor's office and we discovered that there was no amniotic fluid, and no heartbeat.
September 10, 2008 we delivered our beautiful baby girl Charlotte Anne. My husband and I held her for as long as we could, but finally we knew we had to say goodbye. I handed her back to him and told him that I needed him to take her from me or I would never let her go. We finished our stay in the hospital that night and the next morning went home.
On September 19, 2008, my mom and I went to the airport to pick up my dad, who had finally been able to get away from work to come up and see us, to express his sympathy and make sure that his family was okay. While we were waiting, I looked through the newspaper, thinking that perhaps I'd find a puppy that needed to be adopted. My husband and I had talked about getting a dog for Charlotte for her first birthday, but decided that in light of the new circumstances, it might be appropriate to get a dog sooner rather than later. We had disagreed on the breed - I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to dogs, and am in love with anything that is a Golden Retriever or a Labrador Retriever, whereas he's perfectly content with a mutt of unknown origin. I think the biggest turn-off for purebred dogs for him was a combination of genetic problems and price. So we decided that we'd just look for the perfect dog and not worry too much about what kind it was, it just had to be a girl. I came across an ad for a female Golden/Lab mix who was in need of a new home. The family who owned her at the time had just had a baby and decided that they couldn't handle the full household anymore. I called the number, hoping that the puppy was still available, since breeds like that tend to be adopted fairly quickly. The woman told me that I was actually the first call they'd received - the ad had only been put in the paper that morning. I asked a few questions, like how old she was and if she had her shots, all of the important questions, then I asked her name. The woman said that since she was so young (only 6 months old) we could change her name if we wanted to, but that the dog's name was Yuki. I cried. I knew right away that this dog had to be mine
- Yuki is the Japanese word for snow.
Things worked out differently than I expected they would. We got our baby girl too early for real snow, but we found a new family member in the process who has helped us through the grieving process in ways we never could have imagined. When the baby came, we got Snow.
Last year, my husband and I were expecting our first child. She was due December 18, 2008. I have always been a huge fan of winter and Christmas and the feeling of family and peace that comes with that time of year. One of the things I told my husband throughout the ridiculously hot summer was that when the baby came, I wanted it to snow.
I didn't realize at the time, but it was somewhat prophetic to wish for snow. On September 9, 2008, I woke up certain that something was wrong. I hadn't felt the baby move in a few days, though she never really moved very much to begin with. I was 26 weeks pregnant and didn't know how much movement was normal and when I would start to worry, I'd feel butterflies in my stomach and I mistook them for the baby. When I got dressed for the day, the pants that I'd been wearing with a Bella Band buttoned and I knew something was definitely different. I went in to the doctor's office and we discovered that there was no amniotic fluid, and no heartbeat.
September 10, 2008 we delivered our beautiful baby girl Charlotte Anne. My husband and I held her for as long as we could, but finally we knew we had to say goodbye. I handed her back to him and told him that I needed him to take her from me or I would never let her go. We finished our stay in the hospital that night and the next morning went home.
On September 19, 2008, my mom and I went to the airport to pick up my dad, who had finally been able to get away from work to come up and see us, to express his sympathy and make sure that his family was okay. While we were waiting, I looked through the newspaper, thinking that perhaps I'd find a puppy that needed to be adopted. My husband and I had talked about getting a dog for Charlotte for her first birthday, but decided that in light of the new circumstances, it might be appropriate to get a dog sooner rather than later. We had disagreed on the breed - I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to dogs, and am in love with anything that is a Golden Retriever or a Labrador Retriever, whereas he's perfectly content with a mutt of unknown origin. I think the biggest turn-off for purebred dogs for him was a combination of genetic problems and price. So we decided that we'd just look for the perfect dog and not worry too much about what kind it was, it just had to be a girl. I came across an ad for a female Golden/Lab mix who was in need of a new home. The family who owned her at the time had just had a baby and decided that they couldn't handle the full household anymore. I called the number, hoping that the puppy was still available, since breeds like that tend to be adopted fairly quickly. The woman told me that I was actually the first call they'd received - the ad had only been put in the paper that morning. I asked a few questions, like how old she was and if she had her shots, all of the important questions, then I asked her name. The woman said that since she was so young (only 6 months old) we could change her name if we wanted to, but that the dog's name was Yuki. I cried. I knew right away that this dog had to be mine
- Yuki is the Japanese word for snow.
Things worked out differently than I expected they would. We got our baby girl too early for real snow, but we found a new family member in the process who has helped us through the grieving process in ways we never could have imagined. When the baby came, we got Snow.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
New to blogging...
I'm new to this and just want to get started. I don't feel up to writing a whole lot right now, but in the next week, I think it will be theraputic. I look forward to being able to share my journey with others, hopefully building friendships along the way.
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