Mommyhood

There comes a time in our lives when we wake up and realize that we aren't just a single individual anymore.  We are a wife, a mother, a teacher, a daughter, sister, friend ... but the signs of life as just "me" are hidden deep in the world of other responsibilities.
I know I'm not the first person to talk about it, and I won't be the last. I have discovered for myself, though, the importance of not letting go of my needs as Sarah.  I can't help my family if I neglect myself. 
So, I've taken charge and finally decided that it is time to get healthy.  I started about six weeks ago.  311.6 pounds.  I couldn't fit into the clothes I loved (even though there weren't very many. ..) and people around me who I never thought would lose weight were posting their success for the world to see. 
I wondered why they could do it but I couldn't.  The answer was simple, though.  I could.  The only thing standing in my way was me.  Excuses like "I don't have time, " or "its too hard for me" made it easy to decide not to do it. 
Then, I tried. 
It has been a small rollercoaster with loss and gain,  but I'm down 9 pounds in 6 weeks.  How can that be failure? 
I look at Natalie and Caitlin and while I will never love them less if they grow up to be fat,  I hope it isn't an issue for them. I want them to see that I was successful in my own quest to be healthy.  I don't want them to lose their mom to a heart attack in 5 years just because I couldn't find the motivation to get healthy.
While I see other's success and it pushes me to do the same, our reasons are all the same, too.  We want to see our children grow older with us.  We want to chase our grandkids through the sprinkler. We want our children to know that we love them enough to be healthy. And we want them to learn about self love.  Love yourself so that you can love others better.

This is Me.

According to the eyes and brilliant talent of my 3.5 year old, Natalie, this is me.  I think it sums things up pretty well.  I'm tall, not quite skinny, my hair is frazzled, and I'm likely trying to catch something or someone at any given moment.  I'm also a combination of many, many, MANY different emotions and "colors" right now.  You see, tomorrow is my last day of school as a first-year teacher.  My "kids" will be moving on, growing up, coming back from summer break in a few months to someone who isn't me.  My heart is breaking because this year, I gained 80 children between the ages of 15 and 18.  I'm eternally grateful for what I learned from these kids this year, but wow, I'm going to miss them!

Through all of my struggles as a first year teacher, Natalie and Caitlin have grown as well.  I have watched Caitlin learn to walk, heard Natalie construct full conversations, built a stronger relationship with my husband, and witnessed my family crumble and re-build.  I am a patchwork of a woman right now.  I crave the ability to sit and read a book, or write something other than lesson plans or data analysis.  I crave the wind in my hair as I sit beneath a tree, spilling my soul onto a piece of paper.  But I also crave the laughter of my children.  I want to sit and stare into their deep, blue eyes and see their souls.  I want to hold their hands and kiss their feet, and love them with everything I can.  

Knowing that tomorrow will be the last time I will ever see most of my students makes me want to hold onto my children that much tighter.  Natalie asks already if she can go to Kindergarten.  She wants to go to work with me, and learn about the world.  She wants to be "all growm up."  The hardest part for me is that she really is growing up so fast.  And Caitlin.  Wow.  That little girl wants to be just like her sister.  She watches Natalie intently, and laughs when she does something funny.  They share kisses and hugs, and sleep in the same bed.  They watch out for each other.  

Natalie really watches out for me, as well.  I can see the love she put into my portrait on the sidewalk, and I know that she wants to be strong and grown up.  Caitlin holds my hand at the end of the day and they put together the patchwork pieces of my heart.  Even though my life is held together by the grains of chalk, waiting for the rain to wash away any bit of stability I might know, these girls, my beautiful daughters, still see me as whole.  I love them for it.

When it Snows... Digital Story

Let it Snow!

It is the first snow of the year, finally! More notably, however, it is Natalie's first real snow - the first that she noticed there were little white flakes falling from the sky. So, of course, in proper childish fashion, we bundled up at 10pm to go play in the snow!
She loved it!
A fairy princess, or rather a pink marshmallow, Natalie was so beautiful standing in the snow, in the light from the house, flakes falling gently around her. At first, she was apprehensive, she didn't know what it was. After a few handfuls thrown her way, however, she started to get the idea! She truly is my snow-baby! I can't believe it's already Christmas time again - though Thanksgiving is this Thursday, that is close enough for me! I put up the tree, garland, some lights and our stockings (which I claim to be because that wall was so bare I couldn't stand it anymore, but we all know that isn't true!) I am ready to start baking and wrapping more presents, and showing all of my favorite Christmas movies to Natalie. I'm ready to indoctrinate her with the happiness of Christmas as a child, and hoping to re-gain some of the joy for myself as well.