Natalie's Pony

One night, when Natalie was only a few weeks old, I went to put her to bed while she was too awake to settle down. So, I started telling her a story to put her to sleep. This is that story:
Natalie’s Pony

Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl named Natalie. She was sweet and wonderful and her parents loved her very much. But there was something she wanted that she didn’t have. Natalie wanted a pony.

So one day, Natalie decided to go on an adventure and find herself a pony. She left home in search of the perfect companion. Along the way, Natalie met a squirrel. The squirrel was trying to reach a nut in a hole in the ground, but his little arms weren’t long enough. Natalie helped the squirrel get the nut. She told him that she was searching for a pony and he was excited.

“I’m all alone here and have nobody to help me. I see that you don’t have anyone either. If you will take me on your journey with you, I will gather all the food we need.”

Natalie thought this was a great idea, so they continued on the adventure together.

Soon, Natalie and the squirrel came upon a rabbit, who was trying to get out of his burrow. Embarrassed, the rabbit told them that he’d had too much for dinner and couldn’t fit through the door to his own home. He had made enough food for a feast, but nobody came over to eat with him, so he ate it all himself.

Natalie and the squirrel pulled the rabbit out of the hole and told him that they were searching for a pony.

“I’m all alone here, as you can see, if you will take me on your journey with you, I will cook all the meals we need.”

They decided that one more friend was a good thing, so they all set off together.

Soon, Natalie, the rabbit and the squirrel came to a river. They were sad because they didn’t know how to swim. A turtle overheard them talking and came to help.

“I’m all alone here and have nobody to talk to. If you will take me on your journey with you, I will swim across the river with you on my back.”

They all agreed that this sounded good, so off they went together.

After a while, Natalie, the turtle, the rabbit and the squirrel came to a mountain, too high for any of them to climb. They stood around, saddened that they could not go any further, when an owl flew by and stopped to listen.

“I have flown all around and know exactly what you need. If you will take me on your journey with you, I will fly above the mountain carrying you.”

This sounded wonderful, so off they went together.

When they landed on the other side of the mountain, Natalie was excited at what she saw. Standing before them was a whole herd of unicorns! One of the unicorns came up to Natalie and spoke to her.

“Welcome, Natalie! I have been waiting for you.”

“You have?” Natalie exclaimed.

“Yes. I have been expecting a beautiful young girl to come and take me away from my family to protect her.”

Natalie smiled, and then was sad.

“What is wrong?” asked the unicorn.

“I have a whole family already now. I have the squirrel, the rabbit, the turtle, the owl and my parents. I don’t know if I can take you away from yours.”

The unicorn smiled at her, “Natalie, it has always been my destiny to be yours. I was waiting to join your family, but you had to come get me so that you would meet these other friends along the way. Nobody should be lonely and you all needed each other.”

Natalie hugged the unicorn. Then, the squirrel, the rabbit, the turtle, the owl and Natalie climbed on the back of the unicorn and headed home together.

Laughing at a crying baby...

Yesterday offered up a bit of a challenge for us. Natalie can't go back to daycare until next week, since she had RSV, so we have had to maneuver our schedules around each other so that one of us has her at all times. Normally he has Tuesdays off, but because of some schedule changes last week, he had to cover a shift this week. I have class Tuesday afternoons. So, Natalie had her first college experience. She seemed enthralled by the teacher! She was polite, listened intently and, I swear, if she could have taken notes, she would have! Luckily for us, the class only consists of two students, a professor and occasionally a guest speaker (the professor's son.)
By the end of class, Natalie was tired and refusing to eat. We headed home and I snapped the carseat into the stroller for storage inside, like I usually do (to keep the cat out...) and went to use the restroom before taking care of the slightly upset doll in front of me. When I returned, she was making fussy sounds that were new to me... She took a deep breath, hummed/whined and blew raspberries with her lips, drool flowing gently onto her already disgusting bib. She looked at me with teary eyes. I laughed at her.
The sounds were almost like she was pretending to cry to see what result she would get. I didn't think she was that old yet! I knew she was hungry, wet and tired, so I prepared the bottle and returned with the video camera! I wonder, does that make me a bad mommy? I don't think so, she only fussed for a few minutes, but it was the most precious thing I've seen in a while! I talked to her so she didn't think I was ignoring her except for this weird buzzing machine in her face. I told her she was a pretty girl... and she smiled! Now I was certain she was manipulating me! I put the camera away and went to settle in on the couch with her and her newly changed bottom and fresh, warm bottle.
We had a cozy evening, though I was starving by this point. I realized again how scared I really am to love her, though. Especially since I have no control over it! I love her more than life itself and would do anything for her... including laughing while she cries!

Volume Control

We all know the parents who take kids to the restaurant only to prevent other patrons from enjoying their dinners, right? Yes, you know the ones. Their child shrieks like a banshee for an hour and a half while they order drinks, appetizers, entrees and desserts. Sometimes they apologize to the waitress, sometimes they ignore the issue altogether. And then there are the parents who shyly sit in the corner eating their dinner, trying to no avail to calm their banshee-child, obviously embarrassed, but not enough to ask for a to-go box. Those are the parents one just feels bad for. "Oh, poor Mr and Mrs Smith, their baby must be SOOOOoooooo difficult!" "Oh my, they don't know how to control that child, do they!?"
But sometimes, the simple fact is that there isn't anything TO do about the screaming child. Are we supposed to bury our heads in the sand and pretend we don't exist until they turn 18 and move away from home? Perhaps. But it is much easier to endure the occasional night on the town with a shrieking infant whose only problem is that she has not yet discovered volume control along with everything else she is learning. New pitches, new volumes, new length of time. The fact that she has an opinion and is able to share it is fascinating to her and who am I to stifle that developmental milestone? I don't want my child to lose her individuality because I shushed her at a restaurant! Ninety percent of the time anyway the ambient sounds at a restaurant are so stifling to conversation that the shriek and squeal of the infant, no matter how pleasant or angry these sounds might be, will become a dull buzzing in the background. Other patrons may notice this specific noise, but for the most part, the cheering over the football game, or the loud reminiscing of the previous quarter's business over drinks and hot wings take control of the surroundings.
So, why do I still feel bad when my little girl decides to share with the world that she wants to laugh at her Daddy? Why is it that we feel embarrassed by the natural developmental noises our children make before they know that it is rude to be so loud in public, but the dinner we have with our boisterous boss isn't even on our radar? Has society continued to preach that parenthood is an inconvenience?
Remember the days when a woman wasn't "knocked up" or even "pregnant," but "with child" and hidden away for the next nine months? No? Well, I wasn't alive then either, but those days did exist. It was improper to speak of reproduction and childbearing. Children were to be seen and not heard even into the end of the last millennium. Even I was a victim of that sentiment and I am not yet 30.
The revolution has begun, however, with the renewed interest in what is natural - breastfeeding, talking children, "baby wearing" and public exhibition of pregnant bodies.
The time has come to embrace the beauty that is motherhood, fatherhood, womanhood, parenthood. My inner woman, my wild-woman, longs to reach out to others and scream "I have a baby, I have given birth to another life that grew inside mine!" I have stretch marks in places and directions I never thought possible. I think I have a road map from South Dakota to Detroit on my stomach, but what it really says is "I am a WOMAN. I am a MOTHER. I am BEAUTIFUL." My baby girl who talked through dinner and screamed from exhaustion tonight is symbolic of all things I love most about my womanhood - she is a testament to the love and faith and hope that life brings from day to day.
Snuggled up in her father's arms, finally sleeping, I realize I am grateful that she doesn't understand volume control. I am grateful that she is learning who she is and how to communicate. Some day, she will stand tall and proclaim "I am a WOMAN. I am a MOTHER. I. AM. BEAUTIFUL!" She might as well start now.

RAWR- anger at dumb parents...

So... the other day Natalie spent 12 hours at daycare so that she would be away from me and my ucky flu-ness. When she got home, I snuggled her for about five minutes and handed her right back to her Daddy. The next morning, the daycare lady called to let me know that the previous day, Natalie was exposed to RSV by some kids who were coughing all day long... gee... thanks. I want to send their parents the bill for my day... if she was going to get exposed to nasties anyway, at least I could have saved some money!
I'm still not feeling well and am quite disappointed lately in the lack of substance or wit to my writing. Perhaps the flu sucked it out of me. Perhaps lack of sleep, too much homework, or just plain laziness has done it. Maybe I'll be back to my normal self soon!

Missing my Lady-bug!

My sweet Natalie is at daycare today - all day - and I haven't spent much time with her since Saturday afternoon. To celebrate our anniversary (a little late) we went to Deadwood on Saturday night. After a long evening of gambling and having a good-ol' time, we came home Sunday morning. I wasn't feeling well and thought it was just from being up too late, so I went to take a nap. When I woke up, it was even worse... I had the flu.
So, my baby girl spent the night in the living room with her Daddy while I tried to combat the ever growing fever and prevent this horrid beast from taking hold on my little girl, too. So, of course, she couldn't spend the day with me today while Daddy went to work - I couldn't give her the attention she needs without risking the flu-transfer! So, they left for daycare at 9:00 this morning and won't be home until almost 9:00 tonight! All I want to do is HOLD MY BABY GIRL!!!!! But for now, she's still healthy and I'll sacrifice my cuddle time so that she stays that way...
Last night, however, she gave me the most horrible "why won't you hold me, Mommy?" look... and I keep seeing that in my mind... Poor thing probably thinks daycare is her new home. But, she'll be here soon, and Daddy doesn't work tomorrow, so at least I'll get to see her!

Love

This afternoon I watched an interview from NBC's "Today Show" with Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar and their family. They were discussing the health of their youngest daughter, Josie. Born 3.5 months early, she was 2 oz. heavier than our Charlotte. It was one of those moments where my heart absolutely breaks for the Duggars that they are going through this rough ordeal, while at the same time I was horribly jealous that their little girl is alive. I wouldn't wish the pain of the loss of a child on anyone, not even my worst enemy.
Looking at pictures of little Josie, I can't help but think how absolutely precious she is. She is beautiful in a way most babies never have to be. She is truly a miracle. And then I look at my sweet Natalie. Probably close to 15 pounds now, she is like 10 of baby Josie. And I love her as though she was a million babies.
Every second of the day that I am away from her is harder than the one before. I know I have to go to work and school - it is part of life and part of the healing process. My family deserves the best version of me possible. Thanks to Charlotte, I'm working on finishing my degree in English/Secondary Education. If I hadn't been pregnant with her, I would be working at a bank or fast food, with no promise of anything better. Now, for Natalie and my husband and our future children, I have hope that I can finish what I started almost 10 years ago and I am so grateful for Charlotte. She showed me how to love myself enough to tackle the hard things in life. She taught me how precious life is and gave Natalie the gift of parents who truly understand how fragile she is. I'm terrified every moment that something will change and Natalie won't be here, but when I wake up in the morning, there she is, tossing and turning, sleeping like a beautiful angel.
Last night I dreamt that I lost Natalie - she just disappeared. But there is a circle of friends who are here to support us and she is always with her father, me, or at the daycare I've spent almost two years hanging out at anyway. Everyone loves her and it reminds me that there is a whole extended family to protect her...
Almost like the Duggars. 19 kids and every one of them there to support each other when things get tough. Their sweet Josie has no idea how lucky she is just to have that family - so much love and prayers and hope being directed toward her every day. I like to think that Natalie gets that much love and hope and faith directed toward her from her family, too, even though we are significantly smaller in number. The thing is, love knows no boundaries.

Oh, how they change!

I never thought I'd be encouraging my 3 month old baby to be driving so early! I love the way she looks sitting up, though, and the best toy for her age just happens to be a steering-wheel with all the bells and whistles! I can't believe how grown-up she looks already! I am sad that she is no longer a "newborn," but excited for every new step along the way! I'm so proud of her!

Like, Oh Em Gee...

I never thought I'd appreciate the quirks and challenges that come with an infant so much until I spent the afternoon shopping with a couple of 8 year olds. First, let me say that they are both wonderful girls and quite typical for their age. Second, let me say, can mine PLEASE skip that age?!

It's amazing what 8 year old girls think is funny and appropriate. It's incredible how at that age pointing and staring and loudly commenting on other people's appearances is not a red-flag of wrong-ness! But, alas, they are still children.

I had my first experience in the mall with children who were not in a car-seat/stroller today and actually learned a lot about the independence of an 8 year old (which is proven by the fact that she will correct me and say that she is 8 AND 1/2). Almost capable of going off to find the restroom without the assistance of an adult, they are uniquely able to disappear into the myriad racks of clothing and miraculously re-appear moments later from an entirely different part of the store, all WITHOUT destroying the place or shrieking like a banshee. This is amazing to me, as I'm used to hanging out with infants and toddlers, whose vocabulary consists mostly of wimpers and horrific screams.

And I was sadly reminded of how horrible (and I mean HORRIBLE) an 8 year old's sense of fashion can be. It doesn't help that the fashion now is reverting to the neon/spandex/hightop days of the 1980's, which I had desperately hoped had disappeared forever. So there is this odd combination of the desire to repeat the fashion blunders of the past, while combining with the unexplainable never-ending fashion disaster that is the goth movement. I miss the days when wearing solid black all of the time was reserved for widows in mourning and priests. The white face-paint of mimes has been butchered into a hideos death-like mask for people wishing to "express their individuality" meanwhile spending time in crowds of equally terrifying death-obsessed people who all seem to look like mild variations of the same human.

Of course, the 8 year olds think goth is cool now... Stores like "Hot Topic" don't help this fad... in fact, they only serve to perpetuate this odd combination of goth and skater that seems to be permeating the masses... and it makes me SO greatful that my darling daughter is still in size 6 months... (even though she's only 3 months old). For now, and hopefully years to come, I can choose what Natalie wears. Pretty pink dresses, pants that fit properly and shirts that cover her belly (not to mention skirts that go past her knees) are all that will live in her wardrobe.

I love the expression that 8 year olds think they have. I love that they seem to believe that their tastes make them unique or "cool" when they really are a part of the pop culture movement of the time. I remember being 8 years old and my New Kids on the Block belt was the cool accessory to go with my leggings, too long shirt (with a shirt clip, of course) and my Punky Brewster high-top sneakers... O.M.G. I was so cool!
And now I'm even more terrified for Natalie to grow up!

Belly buttons

One of the first games I played with Natalie was telling her what the different parts of her body are: The baby's nose, baby ears, baby toes and the BELLY BUTTON!!! It was something we could both get excited about. She loves when I tap her nose, tickle her feet and wiggle her ears. Mostly, though, she gives me the biggest grin when I exclaim "here's your BELLY BUTTON!!" Tonight I finally realized why it is that every time I change her clothes or diaper I feel this overwhelming desire to kiss her belly button.

It is what allowed me to give her life. It is what connected her body to mine. It is what fed her for nine months while she was being formed into the amazing creature who now occupies one hand while I type with the other.

I then realize that my belly button is what connected me to my mother and her to hers all the way through the beginning of time. This silly sounding body part that no longer serves any function beyond games and lint collection is the link to life. It is what nourishes us in our beginning, then is forgotten as we get older - as soon as the umbilical stump finally falls off in the first days of life.

There are many things in our lives that we take for granted - we poke holes in them not thinking what they mean to us, we forget how we got here in the first place. As I sit here, still feeling residual pains from my remarkably easy and beautiful labor, I am reminded of the miracle that is this perfect daughter beside me. There is nothing I love more about her than her belly button - it is the physical link between the two of us that led to the spiritual link I hope we develop throughout our relationship. As I tell her every day, I will love her more and more and more every single minute of every single day for the rest of my life. And for that, I thank her belly button.

To sling or not to sling...

My darling Natalie does not like to be carried around in the Infantino front carrier that we bought for her. She seems to prefer to just be held, but my poor arms cannot handle the steadily increasing weight of this beautiful little girl. As a solution, we now have a ring-sling. It's the most simple, clever design. It's purple linen and easily maneuvered to contain the small, yet growing body of my baby girl. So far, she seems to love it. Or perhaps she loves watching her father and me try like morons to figure out this one piece of cloth with two rings at the end of it. It hooks like those old belts that have the two rings on one end and the belt hangs from them both and, woven through them neatly the belt holds your pants up... well, it seems that this funny little thing does the same, just with a baby instead! So tonight we tried about 15 minutes of holding her in it, just to see how she liked it. At first, she loved being able to see Daddy and me at the same time... then, she seemed to get a bit tired of it... then, she spit up on me. So who knows if she really likes it yet or not! We'll keep trying it, after all, I cannot go to the chiropractor every week and carrying her around the way I have been made my arms go numb. So here's to hoping that this stubborn little creature decides to get along with my idea of easy transportation so I don't have to lug around the 600 pound car seat every time I go in a store. Or maybe she'll decide that it's funny when Mommy can't feel her arms!