Mommyhood

There comes a time in our lives when we wake up and realize that we aren't just a single individual anymore.  We are a wife, a mother, a teacher, a daughter, sister, friend ... but the signs of life as just "me" are hidden deep in the world of other responsibilities.
I know I'm not the first person to talk about it, and I won't be the last. I have discovered for myself, though, the importance of not letting go of my needs as Sarah.  I can't help my family if I neglect myself. 
So, I've taken charge and finally decided that it is time to get healthy.  I started about six weeks ago.  311.6 pounds.  I couldn't fit into the clothes I loved (even though there weren't very many. ..) and people around me who I never thought would lose weight were posting their success for the world to see. 
I wondered why they could do it but I couldn't.  The answer was simple, though.  I could.  The only thing standing in my way was me.  Excuses like "I don't have time, " or "its too hard for me" made it easy to decide not to do it. 
Then, I tried. 
It has been a small rollercoaster with loss and gain,  but I'm down 9 pounds in 6 weeks.  How can that be failure? 
I look at Natalie and Caitlin and while I will never love them less if they grow up to be fat,  I hope it isn't an issue for them. I want them to see that I was successful in my own quest to be healthy.  I don't want them to lose their mom to a heart attack in 5 years just because I couldn't find the motivation to get healthy.
While I see other's success and it pushes me to do the same, our reasons are all the same, too.  We want to see our children grow older with us.  We want to chase our grandkids through the sprinkler. We want our children to know that we love them enough to be healthy. And we want them to learn about self love.  Love yourself so that you can love others better.

This is Me.

According to the eyes and brilliant talent of my 3.5 year old, Natalie, this is me.  I think it sums things up pretty well.  I'm tall, not quite skinny, my hair is frazzled, and I'm likely trying to catch something or someone at any given moment.  I'm also a combination of many, many, MANY different emotions and "colors" right now.  You see, tomorrow is my last day of school as a first-year teacher.  My "kids" will be moving on, growing up, coming back from summer break in a few months to someone who isn't me.  My heart is breaking because this year, I gained 80 children between the ages of 15 and 18.  I'm eternally grateful for what I learned from these kids this year, but wow, I'm going to miss them!

Through all of my struggles as a first year teacher, Natalie and Caitlin have grown as well.  I have watched Caitlin learn to walk, heard Natalie construct full conversations, built a stronger relationship with my husband, and witnessed my family crumble and re-build.  I am a patchwork of a woman right now.  I crave the ability to sit and read a book, or write something other than lesson plans or data analysis.  I crave the wind in my hair as I sit beneath a tree, spilling my soul onto a piece of paper.  But I also crave the laughter of my children.  I want to sit and stare into their deep, blue eyes and see their souls.  I want to hold their hands and kiss their feet, and love them with everything I can.  

Knowing that tomorrow will be the last time I will ever see most of my students makes me want to hold onto my children that much tighter.  Natalie asks already if she can go to Kindergarten.  She wants to go to work with me, and learn about the world.  She wants to be "all growm up."  The hardest part for me is that she really is growing up so fast.  And Caitlin.  Wow.  That little girl wants to be just like her sister.  She watches Natalie intently, and laughs when she does something funny.  They share kisses and hugs, and sleep in the same bed.  They watch out for each other.  

Natalie really watches out for me, as well.  I can see the love she put into my portrait on the sidewalk, and I know that she wants to be strong and grown up.  Caitlin holds my hand at the end of the day and they put together the patchwork pieces of my heart.  Even though my life is held together by the grains of chalk, waiting for the rain to wash away any bit of stability I might know, these girls, my beautiful daughters, still see me as whole.  I love them for it.

When it Snows... Digital Story

Let it Snow!

It is the first snow of the year, finally! More notably, however, it is Natalie's first real snow - the first that she noticed there were little white flakes falling from the sky. So, of course, in proper childish fashion, we bundled up at 10pm to go play in the snow!
She loved it!
A fairy princess, or rather a pink marshmallow, Natalie was so beautiful standing in the snow, in the light from the house, flakes falling gently around her. At first, she was apprehensive, she didn't know what it was. After a few handfuls thrown her way, however, she started to get the idea! She truly is my snow-baby! I can't believe it's already Christmas time again - though Thanksgiving is this Thursday, that is close enough for me! I put up the tree, garland, some lights and our stockings (which I claim to be because that wall was so bare I couldn't stand it anymore, but we all know that isn't true!) I am ready to start baking and wrapping more presents, and showing all of my favorite Christmas movies to Natalie. I'm ready to indoctrinate her with the happiness of Christmas as a child, and hoping to re-gain some of the joy for myself as well.

What a crazy world...

I have no time to write anymore, but my life is so full, I'm not sure I can complain about not writing for a while... We now have Caitlin and Natalie keeping us running all day long, and I don't know that I had any clue parenting would be this exhausting.  I love every minute of it, and may only trade a few minutes of silence if I could... Caitlin is 15 months old and is a little firecracker! She is so smart, I'm afraid I can't keep up with her for long.  She is so remarkable!
Natalie is 3, and already knows how to add! Holy buckets!

Does the INSANITY ever end?

Don't get me wrong, motherhood is the most rewarding experience of my life so far. I love Natalie with everything I have and wouldn't trade her for anything in the world... possible exception of a Margarita night here and there. It has now, however, been confirmed for me that my mother might not be anything like a saint, but rather should have been committed to an insane asylum oh, say, 28 years ago...
My mother had me in 1983, when she was 25 years old. She then continued to have my brother in 1984 and our youngest brother in 1985. I wonder what in the world she was thinking, and then can only conclude that she wasn't. I have been pregnant a majority of the time I've been married now, and though I have an almost 2 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant with another, I think I should have been committed, too.
My husband, on the other hand, deserves a medal of honor. I cannot imagine being married to a hormonal, tired, cranky, starved wildebeast of a wife that I can sometimes be. I could blame the babies. After all, they cannot defend themselves. It's the perfect set-up. "The baby needs chocolate..." "I need to sleep so the baby can grow..." "This baby is sucking the life out of me..." Even my husband who has never been pregnant knows that's a line of, well, baby poo.
I wonder if our predecessors had the right idea, a tinge of whisky on the gums for "teething" (translation: shut up and sleep so I can) and letting the child cry itself to sleep (translation: I can't handle it anymore and its easier to tune you out.) I must admit that while the whisky trick is tempting, I'd never do it. I love Natalie too much to take that risk. I do, however, let her cry-it-out. I'm still lazy and use disposable diapers because it is infinitely easier than washing poop out of cloth. I let her have a cookie sometimes because it is easier than slicing an apple. I let her sit and watch television just so she will stop running the dog ragged for ten minutes. And, I blame most of this on her baby sister. (shhhh, don't tell anyone.)
Having felt Caitlin's movements for the past 4-5 months, I've developed an attachment to her that I really didn't get much of with Natalie just because I was so afraid to lose her. That doesn't change the fact that I'm beyond ready for her to evacuate the premises. I will hug her and hold her and feed her and change her, but I want my body back! So, in the meantime, I'll use her as an excuse. I can't mow the lawn or move the laundry around because it will hurt her...
Mostly, though, I just can't wait to meet her. Even though I know the insanity of two children running wild through my house will make me more tired and possibly less sane, I can't wait to see them smile and laugh with each other. Soon, my Natalie will not be the only baby in the house and while part of me is sad for that, I'm excited for her to learn what it means to be a big sister. She's going to be amazing and for that, I will sacrifice my sanity.

So after many many long months of not writing anything, here I am to say "HOLY COW!!!" I cannot believe how amazing Natalie is and how fast she grows and changes. She says so many things now and has even started to show more signs of independence. She puts on her own shoes, buckles her own carseat and even tries to put my shoes on for me! I don't know where the little baby went, but I now have an awesome toddler to chase around. Even less familiar to me now is energy - six months pregnant with a toddler in the heat of summer wasn't the best idea I've ever had. Natalie pokes at my belly and says "baby?" quite frequently and with how independent and helpful she is (she helped me make the bed tonight,) I know we will have no problems with her adjusting to being a big sister!
This past weekend we went back to my parents' house for the Fourth of July and (ugh) my 10 year high school reunion. She was a doll on the road and kept herself entertained really well. The only snafu we had was a period of about 2 hours when she just screamed and I didn't figure out until the 2 hours was almost through that all she wanted was her shoes off her feet... Well, live and learn I guess!
Natalie and her cousin Ze spent a lot of time running through sprinklers, playing in swimming pools, watching a parade and entertaining each other thoroughly! I was so proud of them both for how well they interacted. They shared nicely and even shared their mommies!
I am starting to realize as I wish for the next three months to fly by so I won't be pregnant anymore, that it means also that I only have three months left of time with just Natalie. It's bittersweet because I want to meet this new little one so desperately, but I cherish every second I have with Natalie. I felt so blessed to have had the entire weekend to just sit back and watch her be herself. I learned so much about her personality and her strengths and came home even more proud of the little person she is!

Summer Fun!

So after many many long months of not writing anything, here I am to say "HOLY COW!!!" I cannot believe how amazing Natalie is and how fast she grows and changes. She says so many things now and has even started to show more signs of independence. She puts on her own shoes, buckles her own carseat and even tries to put my shoes on for me! I don't know where the little baby went, but I now have an awesome toddler to chase around. Even less familiar to me now is energy - six months pregnant with a toddler in the heat of summer wasn't the best idea I've ever had. Natalie pokes at my belly and says "baby?" quite frequently and with how independent and helpful she is (she helped me make the bed tonight,) I know we will have no problems with her adjusting to being a big sister!
This past weekend we went back to my parents' house for the Fourth of July and (ugh) my 10 year high school reunion. She was a doll on the road and kept herself entertained really well. The only snafu we had was a period of about 2 hours when she just screamed and I didn't figure out until the 2 hours was almost through that all she wanted was her shoes off her feet... Well, live and learn I guess!
Natalie and her cousin Ze spent a lot of time running through sprinklers, playing in swimming pools, watching a parade and entertaining each other thoroughly! I was so proud of them both for how well they interacted. They shared nicely and even shared their mommies!
I am starting to realize as I wish for the next three months to fly by so I won't be pregnant anymore, that it means also that I only have three months left of time with just Natalie. It's bittersweet because I want to meet this new little one so desperately, but I cherish every second I have with Natalie. I felt so blessed to have had the entire weekend to just sit back and watch her be herself. I learned so much about her personality and her strengths and came home even more proud of the little person she is!

Ah, my sweet, sweet girl. She is so helpful around the house these days and it is going to become so important that she know how to help. We are expecting another baby this October, two days before Natalie turns two years old! She already seems to know that things are changing - she talks to my belly and I'm not really even showing yet! It amazes me how thoughtful she is...
Natalie can now take her diaper to the trash, dishes to the sink and she can tell us what she wants to eat, even if it's only nodding her head for "yes" or throwing her arms around and shouting "NO!" I feel bad that I don't write more for her right now, but I am so busy with school and work and spending valuable time with her that I forget that some day she might want some record of our early years together! There really is something magical about the time we have together.
My little girl is not so little anymore either. She is now in a converted crib - one side is gone so she can climb in and out on her own! She opens her door in the morning and comes into our room to wake us up (on the rare occasion that we pretend we can sleep in.) The little chubby rolls on her thighs that were so sweet and ticklish are almost gone - her legs and arms are looking more like toddler than infant, which makes sense as she wears off the baby fat by running everywhere and climing on literally everything she can! I am wondering how on earth I will keep up with two of these beautiful rugrats, but Natalie can do so much for herself right now that I am not worried. I know that Natalie will bring diapers to me, or bottles for the baby. She will be able to help with simple things - and she will love this new baby so much, too!
I am excited to see what happens when Natalie becomes a big sister!!!

It is the first snow of the year, finally! More notably, however, it is Natalie's first real snow - the first that she noticed there were little white flakes falling from the sky. So, of course, in proper childish fashion, we bundled up at 10pm to go play in the snow! She loved it! A fairy princess, or rather a pink marshmallow, Natalie was so beautiful standing in the snow, in the light from the house, flakes falling gently around her. At first, she was apprehensive, she didn't know what it was. After a few handfuls thrown her way, however, she started to get the idea! She truly is my snow-baby! I can't believe it's already Christmas time again - though Thanksgiving is this Thursday, that is close enough for me! I put up the tree, garland, some lights and our stockings (which I claim to be because that wall was so bare I couldn't stand it anymore, but we all know that isn't true!) I am ready to start baking and wrapping more presents, and showing all of my favorite Christmas movies to Natalie. I'm ready to indoctrinate her with the happiness of Christmas as a child, and hoping to re-gain some of the joy for myself as well. This will be our third Christmas without Charlotte and while I'm still saddened by that, it finally feels like we are ready to truly celebrate again. Natalie has brought more joy into this house than she will ever fully realize and it's only at Christmas time that I can even begin to match that joy for her! So, I say, let it begin! Let the joy from the Christmas spirit reach out to all of us and guide us through the rest of this year and into the next. Let the faith of the masses show us that no matter what we believe, that is all we must do: Believe. Let the beauty of childhood remind us that we are all still children at heart - that there is nothing more precious than the innocence of a child. Let us all know that there is good in the world, far more than the bad and even greater than we imagine. And most of all, let us simply do what we were born to do: Love. Natalie sure is good at teaching me to be more thankful!